Reflection; What God has been teaching me (1)

Dear Readers,
I have been trying to think of what my next post should be, so I decided to write about something I have been thinking about lately; Recently I have been reflecting back on these past few months and seeing how God has been working in my life. Even to this day I am amazed at how much effort he puts in to molding and shaping me into a woman of God. So here is a reflection of what God has been teaching me:

Reflection; What God has been teaching me 

(Part 1)

At the beginning of the year I started out going to youth group. It wasn't just an ordinary youth group though; It was a group of mostly homeschooled kids who wanted to gain a deeper relationship with God. And so for the past 3 years, I had been attending this group. Throughout all of my years of going there, I have learned a lot about courtship, reaping what you sow, and much more. These are all things that I am so happy that I have learned about.

When I was going there this year though, something didn't seem right. I didn't feel settled or belonging anymore. I knew that this was not because of the group, but more of something going on with me. So for many months, I struggled with feeling content there as I had before. It was like I was restless.

Not only did I feel out of place, but I also started to notice things about myself that I didn't like. For instance; I was so afraid that if I talked to a guy that others would think that I was either flirting or that I liked him. The issues that I had with myself about that was; A. Talking to a guy is not flirting and does not mean that I like him. B. Why am I so worried of what they think of me? (Yes, reputation is important -To a certain extent- but worrying about self image should not control your life). I also began to worry that if people saw me with someone who didn't look or act like a christian that they would then think that I was associated with that person. Because I felt that way, I began to judge others.
Example;
I saw a person walk in with a skull on their shirt. I knew that this was something that was not approved on by the group, so I decided to ignore the person. Besides, if they see me with that person then maybe they'll think that I am just like that person...

That was something I made up just spur of the moment, but that is how I began to think. I wouldn't even get to know the person and I would assume that I knew who they were just by looking at them and I would then decide whether I wanted to be seen with them or not. It probably sounds odd; but I was judging people because I was worried of being judged.

The things I just listed were things that I wasn't happy about. I knew that it was wrong to be judging others and I also knew that it was ok to talk to guys. But you know what? Even though I was struggling with these things, I could still not imagine leaving the group; I had practically grown up there! Even though I hadn't grown very close to some of the people, I had still seen the same faces week after week, year after year. I didn't want to step out of my comfort zone and find a new youth group with new people. No way! I knew though that I wasn't growing as I had been, and that I needed to make a decision of continuing to go there or not.

December finally came and I was beginning to feel the urgency of making a final decision of going there or not. I didn't know how to decide, so I did what I knew best to do, and that was to pray. I prayed to God on a Wednesday morning, and by the time that afternoon came, I felt the urge to open up my bible. And so I opened it up and let the pages turn to anyplace -I figured that God would let the pages fall into the right place-. The book of Philemon stared at me, and after praying to God that he would give me peace in the decision, I began to read.
"...Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ...."

I was amazed! I knew that It wasn't a shocking revelation that God speaks to people, but it still was something that awed me. And so I continued to read, and I eventually felt assured within me that God was saying it was time that I departed from the Youth Group.

That night I went to a few of my close friends and let them know that I would no longer be attending. It was probably one of the hardest things I had ever done. And with each person that I told, the realization of what was happening began to hit me hard as a rock. Sure I had planned earlier in the day of what I was going to say to these people, but the reality of it hadn't gone through to me yet.

By the end of the night I was blurry eyed with tears, and exhausted. The whole ride home I debated over and over again in my head if I had done the right thing. And when I went to sleep that night I prayed that God would continue to fill me with peace, for I was in need of it.

Check back later to read part 2 

~Miss.Adriana Castillo